Originally posted November 2018.

So as you all know, I am in Melbourne at the moment – first child free trip away and all that, woohoo!

But what I hadn’t anticipated was the memories that would come with this trip. It hadn’t occurred to me that the last time I was in Melbourne was almost exactly 3 years ago, October 2015.

What was happening in October 2015…? I had been trying to get pregnant for just over 18 months. I was into the 6th month of fertility treatment, which had now moved from being regular monitoring of my cycle to adding in hormonal treatment – regular self-injections on top of the blood tests and internal ultrasounds that would ensure I actually did ovulate.

I was on a family ‘girls trip’ for my Nan’s 80th birthday and was travelling with my pregnant younger sister, and was dealing with the daily struggle of feeling so excited for her, and for my family who was about to welcome the first grandchild into their lives, and feeling overwhelmingly jealous and sad that it wasn’t me.

This trip coincided with the time that, if I was in Perth, I would have been going to the fertility clinic to have a blood test confirmation of whether or not this cycle had been successful. So… although I had previously decided I wouldn’t, I excused myself from the family for the morning, went on a solo bike ride to St Kilda beach, and on the way back I stopped at a pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test and tested myself.

I was so hopeful – this was one of the first times I’d really believed that this would be it.

And sitting in that public toilet at Flinders St station, I cried and cried and cried over another negative test.

If you do the maths, knowing that Benji turned 2 in October, you’ll understand that it was 3 more cycles of treatment after this that I did get a positive result. But at the time, I didn’t know how many more months of this fight, and this façade of being 100% happy for all my pregnant friends, my clients, my sister, that I would have to face.

I am sharing this knowing that it is Postnatal Depression, Anxiety & Psychosis Awareness Week. I constantly try to remind myself that I can never know what is going on behind the façade of people’s lives.

Check in with your friends today – ask them if everything is ok.

And if you’re going through an internal struggle of any sort – this post is my way of sending you a virtual hug. You’ve got this.

Here’s me at St Kilda beach today, in a much happier place in my life ❤️❤️❤️